My whole life I’ve been an excellent pooper. For real. People would come up to me and say “Hey, Mark. I pooped twice today.” I was all “bitch, please.” The truth is, I could barely get through a meal without taking a poop break. Especially if it was something unhealthy. Fried chicken. Most burgers. Anything with mayo.

I thought “wow, me. You have an amazing digestive system.” Turns out I just have some crazy fucking allergies. But let’s rewind a little.

Around six weeks ago, I woke up to some kind of rash on the back of my hand. My girlfriend, Janine, pointed it out and I told her not to be concerned. Sometimes I sleep with my face rested on my hand and my manly stubble causes a bit of irritation. The following day, it was on my chest. I told her it was because my massive man chest rubs against the same stubble when I’m lying down. Then it appeared on my forehead and I ran out of bullshit.

I had never had anything like this before. It wasn’t overly itchy but it was  ugly as hell and spreading quickly. Janine had always assumed I had some kind of food allergy but I disregarded her opinion because if I don’t acknowledge it, it doesn’t exist.

The hypocrisy here lies in the fact that I’ve been spending the last three years of my life slowly working on building a healthier lifestyle. I’ve been preaching how important your health is and how you need to strive to be the healthiest you possible. I couldn’t bestow confidence in those who trusted me while at the same time, ignoring what’s going on with my own body. I finally gave in and booked my first naturopath appointment.

Of course with naturopaths you can just show up and be all “give me an allergy test.” They want to get to know you first. I had three appointments before we finally took the test and I just got the results back on Friday.

Like Moses in Clone High, it would appear I’ve become intolerant of lactose. Cow’s milk, cheddar cheese, whey protein. Also, eggs – both whites and yolks. In face egg whites are through the roof for me. In the “extreme intolerance” category. Which totally explains why that amazing garlic mayo at Earl’s puts my butthole into Emergency Evacuation mode.

So what does this mean? Stop putting milk in my coffee and quit eating eggs for breakfast. Piece of cake, right? Not so much.

We often think of these allergies as they pertain to the pure version of the food. Glass of milk. Block of cheese. An egg. We don’t consider what uses them as ingredients. You’d be surprised by how much you eat actually contains milk or eggs. The good news, though, is the majority of those things are unhealthy. Fried chicken. Chocolate.  Mayo (have I mentioned that one yet?). Unfortunately, though, it also includes healthy meals that are usually staples for people trying to get healthy. Hard-boiled eggs, yogurt, whey protein powder, even the non-vegan Shakeology.

What’s next for me? Well as of today, I’ve started a 3-week elimination diet. Hold on, Mark. Aren’t those elimination diets three months? Thanks for pointing that out, asshole. I’m starting with a 3 week one which will end a little before Christmas. Then I plan on continuing it throughout the holidays but if something slips in, I’ll allow it. Then in January I’m doing the three month one. There. Happy?

Today was day one. So far so good but I know I’ll face challenges. That’s why I’ve started this little blog series. So that I can journal the roadblocks and then talk about what I did about them. Recipes, substitutes, and whatever challenges may arise. Luckily, Janine and I have nearly the exact same food allergies. So I’m going in with a sidekick and pretty solid intel from someone who has been part of the club for years.

So wish me luck, internet. Let’s see what happens to my body and, most of all, my butt.